What is it about the word \u2018NO\u2019 that they don\u2019t understand? We ask our children not to do something, but to no avail. They might stop for a while, but soon start again\u2026 It\u2019s easy to assume that they simply aren\u2019t interested in what we say, but it\u2019s not quite that simple. So what\u2019s really going on here? How can we get them to cooperate with us in situations like this?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When we\u2019re told not to do something, we have no trouble complying. We\u2019ve learnt that we have to control ourselves in line with other people\u2019s expectations. If there\u2019s something we\u2019re not allowed to do, we accept it and, more often than not, find something else to do without any trouble. Because we\u2019ve learnt this over many years. But what happens if I ask you, \u201eDON\u2019T THINK ABOUT A PINK ELEPHANT!\u201d?
That doesn\u2019t really work anymore, does it? The thing is, our brains simply can\u2019t help but visualise something. So, in order to try and comply with my request, once you\u2019ve already pictured the pink elephant, you\u2019ll probably quickly change its colour. However, this is a conscious effort, and as you\u2019ll find, the first image that springs to mind will still be the pink elephant. In order not to think about something, we first have to think about it. And this isn\u2019t just true of our thoughts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Children\u2019s brains work in exactly the same way. They cannot conceive of the word \u201eno\u201d. When we ask them, \u201eDon\u2019t run!\u201d, \u201eDon\u2019t shout!\u201d, \u201eDon\u2019t fight!\u201d, \u201eDon\u2019t do that!\u201d, \u2026etc., an image appears in their minds of running, shouting, fighting \u2013 precisely the things we\u2019re asking them to stop doing. And this is where the difficulty lies for children, in two respects.
Firstly, their inner impulses are much stronger, and their self-control is not as well-developed as that of adults. Over the years, we have been forced to learn to regulate these feelings effectively, as this is essential for social integration. Our inner urges are at their strongest in early childhood; they are not the same as they are in adulthood. Secondly, they do not yet have a \u201etoolbox\u201d of ideas from which they can choose an alternative method or activity. They don\u2019t know what to do instead of running, shouting, fighting, and so on. Sometimes they really do want to please us, but they simply can\u2019t find a way to do so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It\u2019s not that easy being a child, is it? They\u2019re still so new to this world; they don\u2019t know their surroundings or how they themselves work, yet enormous expectations are placed upon them. And we often don\u2019t even realise what difficulties they\u2019re going through. We don\u2019t see how hard they\u2019re trying, because we don\u2019t know what to look for. And they can\u2019t express themselves, as they don\u2019t yet have the self-awareness or vocabulary to do so \u2013 but we can help them!
We can give them ideas, or even specific instructions, on what to do instead of the behaviour we\u2019ve taken issue with. Surprisingly often, this alone is enough to bring about a noticeable change in these trying moments, as in most cases their aim isn\u2019t to annoy us. Instead of saying \u201eDon\u2019t run about!\u201d, \u201eDon\u2019t be rude!\u201d or \u201eDon\u2019t shout!\u201d, we can use simple phrases such as: \u201eWe only have room for walking feet in here, so please walk!\u201d, \u201eWe only use gentle hands with each other, like this!\u201d, \u201eCould you speak a bit more quietly, like this\u2026\u201d, \u2026and so on. Such specific phrasing can work wonders! Provided, of course, that it\u2019s specific. \u201eBehave yourself!\u201d is a positive phrase, but it\u2019s just as unhelpful to a child as a prohibition, because what does \u201ebehave yourself\u201d actually mean?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Every new habit takes time to become second nature. Perhaps you haven\u2019t even realised until now just how much \u201edon\u2019t\u201d and \u201edon\u2019t do that\u201d goes on at home. But that\u2019s perfectly normal. The first step is to recognise these situations; the second is to try and come up with a positive, \u201edon\u2019t-free\u201d phrase to replace them. I\u2019ll say straight away that it\u2019s sometimes harder than we think.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I was working at a nursery in London when I began to put this approach into practice. Often, by the time (1) I realised I was saying \u2018no\u2019, (2) I\u2019d thought of a suggestion, and (3) I\u2019d formulated it in English, the child was already doing something completely different from what I\u2019d just tried to dissuade them from doing. Nevertheless, I went ahead and said it (even though it didn\u2019t make much sense by then), so that I could practise the method and make it as quick and automatic as possible. In the end, I succeeded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The aim isn\u2019t to never use the word \u201eno\u201d. That\u2019s unrealistic. But let\u2019s be aware of when we say it, and follow it up with a helpful \u2018no-free\u2019 phrase. Instead of an exclamation mark, let\u2019s use a comma and offer our child a suggestion. And let\u2019s be patient with ourselves, too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Give it a go and let us know in the comments how it works out for you in practice. If you liked it, give it a like, and don\u2019t forget to share it with anyone you think might find it helpful!<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n #child-centred #children #it\u2019s good to be a parent #family #help #what should I do #everything #parenting # I\u2019m a parent # I have a child # Parenting coaching # How to cope # I\u2019m a mum # We\u2019re learning together # yes # no # everythingchild #child-rearing #advice #naughty child #good child<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Amikor minket tiltanak le valamir\u0151l, nem okoz neh\u00e9zs\u00e9get annak eleget tenni. Megtanultuk, hogy kontroll\u00e1lnunk kell magunkat, m\u00e1sok elv\u00e1r\u00e1sainak megfelel\u0151en. Ha valamit nem csin\u00e1lhatunk, akkor ezt elfogadjuk, \u00e9s t\u00f6bbnyire gond n\u00e9lk\u00fcl tal\u00e1lunk m\u00e1s elfoglalts\u00e1got. Mert ezt m\u00e1r megtanultuk hossz\u00fa \u00e9vek alatt. De mi t\u00f6rt\u00e9nik akkor, ha megk\u00e9rlek arra, hogy „NE GONDOLJ EGY R\u00d3ZSASZ\u00cdN ELEF\u00c1NTRA!”?Ez m\u00e1r kev\u00e9sb\u00e9 […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":40,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[14,30,9,13,11,8,20,37,38,31,15,35,36,27,21,18,33,12,32,39,34],"class_list":["post-192","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-gyerekneveles","tag-anyavagyok","tag-csalad","tag-gyerekek","tag-gyerekkelvagyok","tag-gyerekneveles","tag-gyerekrehangolva","tag-jogyerek","tag-mindenamigyerek","tag-mindenamineveles","tag-mindennem","tag-mittegyek","tag-ne","tag-nem","tag-orokketanulunk","tag-rosszgyerek","tag-segitseg","tag-szulocoaching","tag-szuloneklennijo","tag-szulovagyok","tag-tanacs","tag-velelennijo"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/192","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=192"}],"version-history":[{"count":8,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/192\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5740,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/192\/revisions\/5740"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/40"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=192"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=192"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=192"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}