{"id":196,"date":"2020-11-14T15:38:16","date_gmt":"2020-11-14T15:38:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/?p=196"},"modified":"2026-07-25T19:02:00","modified_gmt":"2026-07-25T17:02:00","slug":"sirni-oke-avagy-vigasztalas-helyett","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/sirni-oke-avagy-vigasztalas-helyett\/","title":{"rendered":"It\u2019s OK to cry. Or rather, instead of comfort"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201eAll I want is for them to be happy!\u201d, or the reason why we become slaves to our emotions.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is a great deal of confusion and conflicting advice in the public consciousness about whether or not we should let our children cry. A couple of generations ago, even experts used to say that babies needed to learn to soothe themselves and get used to a routine, so parents should not respond to their heart-wrenching cries. Today, we know that this leads children to immediately draw the lifelong conclusion that they cannot rely on anyone emotionally. This is the root cause of most adults\u2019 difficulties in social relationships. So, yes, it is very important that we are emotionally available to our children. Always!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201eI\u2019m here so that you don\u2019t have to be here\u201d \u2013 On the Other Side of the Horse<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

We don\u2019t think so, but it\u2019s much easier to go too far in the other direction than we might realise. And this is where the real confusion begins, because we misunderstand what it means to be emotionally present for our child during difficult emotional moments. The reason for this is the approach to negative emotions that is expected and taught by our society and culture.
Almost all of us grew up learning that we must avoid crying, grief and pain at all costs. We attribute to every negative emotion the meaning that it stands in the way of happiness, success and a sense of fulfilment. Whether we ourselves are suffering from them or others are, we feel we must put an end to them as soon as possible. We try to comfort others with words, touch, advice, distraction or encouragement, but we rarely accept the emotion as it is. Of course, it\u2019s not nice to see someone else sad, but why is the sight of it so painful for us? I know the question might be a bit shocking, but what do you think: to what extent is the urge to distract or comfort someone instinctive, and to what extent is it learned (ingrained in us over generations)?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A generational impasse \u2013 The true message behind \u201eDon\u2019t be sad!\u201d<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

From the moment we are born, we learn to suppress, avoid and eliminate our feelings and emotions that we perceive as negative. We experience them as failures. We also receive confirmation from the outside world that it is not right to feel this way. When our child is fussy, sad, crying or angry, the response they usually get from us is that they shouldn\u2019t feel that way: \u201eDon\u2019t be sad!\u201d, \u201eLook on the bright side\u201d, \u201eThere\u2019s no need to cry about that now\u201d\u2026 We do all this with the best of intentions. That\u2019s what we\u2019ve learnt.
Yet with these responses, we are reinforcing to the child that they shouldn\u2019t feel this way. That the feeling that has taken hold of them is inappropriate. Later on, they may become stressed by the fact that the feeling is returning and they don\u2019t know how to cope with it. Then they may worry that others have noticed too, so they can\u2019t hide it. Finally, they may experience a sense of complete failure, feeling that they\u2019re spoiling everyone else\u2019s mood because everyone has to deal with them. The bad feeling doesn\u2019t go away; instead, it intensifies and takes hold of us. After all, we\u2019ve never actually learnt how to deal with these emotions.
Would they still grow stronger if we didn\u2019t have to reject them?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A feeling comes and goes<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Children need to get to know their own feelings and learn to live with them. And in this, they rely on us. They watch us, they trust us, and they learn from us. A truly happy person isn\u2019t always carefree, but knows how to appreciate even a cloudy sky. Every feeling has its own reason and meaning. Every feeling comes and goes. What children need is not for us to shield them from feelings perceived as negative, but for us to teach them to recognise and accept them. Those who never experience failure never learn anything new. Every problem offers an opportunity for growth. There\u2019s no need to run away from them. The more we run away, the more they will chase us. The more openly we embrace them, the more easily they will pass us by of their own accord.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s OK to cry \u2013 \u201eI\u2019m here with you\u201d<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s all it takes. Just be there with them in that moment. They don\u2019t need your advice or your comfort. Just your acceptance, so that they, too, can accept it. Because our emotions matter. It is by sharing the moment together that we can best support our child in recognising and accepting the emotions swirling within them \u2013 and, through that, themselves. Of course, doing nothing isn\u2019t easy at first, as we\u2019ve been taught since childhood that we must intervene. Yet, in reality, our presence and acceptance are what matter most to them. This is how inner tension is released most quickly, allowing feelings to pass. Our child\u2019s relationship with both us and themselves will deepen. This is how they will become a truly resilient, well-balanced and happy adult.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

If you liked it, give it a like and share it \u2013 what do you think?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

#child-centred #being a parent #family #parenting #emotions #what should I do #I\u2019m happy #help #relationships #that\u2019s life #my child #being a parent #childhood #feelings<\/em>
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

„\u00c9n csak azt akarom, hogy boldog legyen!”, avagy az ok, ami\u00e9rt az \u00e9rzelmeink rabjaiv\u00e1 v\u00e1lunk. Nem gondoljuk, de sokkal k\u00f6nnyebb \u00e1tesni a l\u00f3 t\u00faloldal\u00e1ra, mint azt hinn\u00e9nk. A zavar pedig itt kezd\u0151dik igaz\u00e1n, mert f\u00e9lre\u00e9rtj\u00fck, mit jelent ott lenni \u00e9rzelmileg a gyermek\u00fcnk mellett a neh\u00e9z \u00e9rzelmi pillanatokban. Ennek oka pedig a t\u00e1rsadalmunk \u00e9s kult\u00far\u00e1nk \u00e1ltal […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":34,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[45,42,30,48,41,47,11,8,44,43,15,18,46,12],"class_list":["post-196","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-gyerekneveles","tag-agyerekem","tag-boldogvagyok","tag-csalad","tag-erezni","tag-erzelmek","tag-gyerekkor","tag-gyerekneveles","tag-gyerekrehangolva","tag-ilyenazelet","tag-kapcsolatok","tag-mittegyek","tag-segitseg","tag-szuloneklenni","tag-szuloneklennijo"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/196","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=196"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/196\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5739,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/196\/revisions\/5739"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/34"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=196"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=196"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=196"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}