It is a question that rarely yields the expected result, yet as parents we cling to it so tightly. Why do we feel such a strong urge to ask it anyway, and why doesn\u2019t it work with our children?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When our child spends most of the day away from us, it\u2019s only natural that when we finally meet up, we\u2019ll have plenty to tell each other. We share our experiences, our difficulties, our sorrows and our joys. On the one hand, we feel guilty about the time spent apart and want to make up for it as soon as possible by reconnecting. On the other hand, our sense of parental responsibility tells us that being away for 8\u201310 hours may not only have meant \u2018letting our child down\u2019, but also failed to satisfy our own \u2018need for control\u2019. After all, our inner voice might say: \u201eI wonder what happened during that time?\u201d; \u201eWhat if there\u2019s something important I don\u2019t know about?\u201d; \u201eHow can I discipline, help or teach my child anything if I don\u2019t even know what\u2019s been going on?\u201d; \u201eIt might even turn out that I\u2019m not a good parent because I don\u2019t even ask my child\u201d\u2026 So we want to feel that: \u201eeven though we\u2019ve spent most of the day apart, our relationship is deep and sincere. We love each other, we\u2019re important to each other, and we share everything.\u201d.
So the aim is to get back in touch with each other as soon as possible and pick up where we left off. So what\u2019s the snag?<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why does the initiative fail right from the start? In most cases, we get answers like these: \u201eNothing\u201d; \u201eNothing much\u201d; \u201eOK\u201d; \u201eFine\u201d; \u201eNever mind\u201d\u2026 Are we satisfied with these answers? Of course not. We miss the child\u2019s openness, their honesty, and their willingness to let us into their inner world. On top of all this, the open-ended question \u2013 which we hope will lead to a wide-ranging conversation \u2013 is shut down in an instant. We might consider asking another open-ended question\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Why won\u2019t the child open up?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n First of all, let\u2019s just think about it: how much time do we actually give a child to get into the car \u2013 or simply to settle into our presence \u2013 before we ask them this question? Not many of us can stand long pauses and silence, so in most cases we\u2019re talking about a couple of seconds at most. Yet the child has to switch to a completely different role. Another major mistake we often make when bonding with our child is that we fail to realise our approach prioritises our own needs rather than the child\u2019s. (Of course, we do this without even realising it.) \u00a0 The prerequisite for effective connection is that I step back from the situation. I recognise my own needs but set them aside, and in this way I try to attune myself to the other person. For this to happen, a pause and silence are necessary. Just being there, sensing the child\u2019s current emotional state. For the child to feel our support, our acceptance and our protection, words are not needed. This is especially true for children, who are even more attuned to our emotional energy. Just let them settle into the safety of \u2018home\u2019! Just observe! Watch their breathing (perhaps mirror it), see what they\u2019re doing, what they\u2019re looking at (without saying a word)! Give them 5\u201310 minutes of this! If possible, let them take the lead! If not, perhaps ask them a question, but only to check whether they need a bit more time!<\/p>\n\n\n\n And most importantly, once they start talking or telling a story, just listen \u2013 without offering any advice, instruction, praise or disagreement. At most, acknowledge their feelings, but keep yourself out of the picture.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Because there\u2019s really only one thing that matters to children: that they feel seen and heard by adults and by themselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n If you liked this article, give it a <3 and let us know what you think in the comments! Finally, don\u2019t forget to share it with anyone you think might find it useful too! \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n\n\n\n #family #parenting #being a parent #adolescence #what should I do #being a good parent #children #relationships #bonding #mindful parenting #positive parenting #life #mindfulness #I love my child #coaching #in tune with my child #sitting coaching #upbringing #attunement #together #school #further #nursery #arguments #trust # honesty # acceptance # care<\/em><\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Mert a gyerekeknek igaz\u00e1n csak egy fontos: hogy l\u00e1tva \u00e9s hallva \u00e9rezz\u00e9k magukat a feln\u0151ttek \u00e9s \u00f6nmaguk \u00e1ltal. Ha tetszett a cikk, nyomj egy <3, \u00e9s kommentbe \u00edrd meg, te mit gondolsz! V\u00e9gezet\u00fcl pedig ne felejtsd el megosztani azzal, akinek szerinted szint\u00e9n haszn\u00e1ra v\u00e1lna! \ud83d\ude42 #csal\u00e1d #gyereknevel\u00e9s #sz\u00fcl\u0151neklenni #kamaszkor #mittegyek #el\u00e9gj\u00f3sz\u00fcl\u0151 #gyerekek #kapcsolat #kapcsol\u00f3d\u00e1s #tudatossz\u00fcl\u0151k […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":38,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[65,63,57,30,60,50,55,67,9,11,8,17,49,51,52,15,58,66,62,54,59,61,33,46,68,56,53,64],"class_list":["post-198","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-gyerekneveles","tag-bizalom","tag-bolcsi","tag-coaching","tag-csalad","tag-egyutt","tag-elegjoszulo","tag-elet","tag-elfogadas","tag-gyerekek","tag-gyerekneveles","tag-gyerekrehangolva","tag-imadomagyerekem","tag-kamaszkor","tag-kapcsolat","tag-kapcsolodas","tag-mittegyek","tag-neveles","tag-oszinteseg","tag-ovi","tag-pozitivgyerekneveles","tag-rahangolodas","tag-suli","tag-szulocoaching","tag-szuloneklenni","tag-torodes","tag-tudatossag","tag-tudatosszulok","tag-veszekedes"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/198","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=198"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/198\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5738,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/198\/revisions\/5738"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/38"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=198"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=198"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=198"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
At school, nursery and cr\u00e8che, children take on a different role to the one they have at home. In these settings, children learn that they must not show deep vulnerability, despair, a sense of loss, anger, etc., because they are expected to already know (or learn) how to behave. Even in nurseries, carers are often unable to provide children with the same sense of security that parents do. What\u2019s more, children also have to arm themselves against their peers in order to stay in the running and earn their love and recognition.
You can\u2019t just step out of this role from one moment to the next. Even if you have a close relationship with your parents, it still takes time to take off your armour, put down your shield and breathe freely again. Well, if you don\u2019t even feel fully accepted at home\u2026 and you need another set of battle gear\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\nME instead of HIM<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n
First of all, we long for our child to open up to us, so that we, as parents, can feel secure and valued after those long hours of feeling \u2018let down\u2019. On the other hand, we probably find the \u2018silent moments\u2019 harder to bear, whilst nobody speaks. We immediately start conjuring up self-defeating thoughts in our heads: \u201eThey must think I don\u2019t even care what\u2019s going on with them\u201d; \u201eWe\u2019re finally together, and I\u2019m not making time for them\u201d; \u201eWhat if they hate me and don\u2019t want to share anything with me?\u201d; \u201eOther people\u2019s children are probably already chattering away to their parents\u201d; \u201eI really ought to say something\u201d\u2026 Thirdly, our questions generally imply, \u201eTell me everything!\u201d \u2013 which immediately prompts responses such as \u201eleave me alone\u201d, \u201eyou wouldn\u2019t understand anyway\u201d or \u201eit doesn\u2019t matter\u201d \u2013 instead of signalling \u201eI\u2019M LISTENING TO YOU!\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\nIt\u2019s not me, it\u2019s ONLY him<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n