{"id":5341,"date":"2026-07-06T22:25:44","date_gmt":"2026-07-06T20:25:44","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/?p=5341"},"modified":"2026-07-06T22:25:44","modified_gmt":"2026-07-06T20:25:44","slug":"engedekenyseg-gyerek-szemelyisegfejlodes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/engedekenyseg-gyerek-szemelyisegfejlodes\/","title":{"rendered":"You\u2019re doing your child a disservice by being too lenient with them"},"content":{"rendered":"

Our constant and sensitive responsiveness and willingness to help our child may appear to be natural, loving and devoted behaviour, which is precisely why it is so easy to fall into this trap. Research suggests, however, that children of permissive parents can be immature, dependent and often aggressive as well.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nowadays, bringing up children is in many respects more flexible than it was in past centuries. Instead of rigid timetables and rules, there is an increasing emphasis on meeting needs as they arise and on care-giving processes. Nowadays, we pick up a crying baby and feed a child who gets hungry between meals. It is this kind of parental responsiveness, particularly during the first year, that allows the child to sense our readiness to respond, thereby strengthening the bond between us.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, our constant flexibility, which applies in every situation, also has its downsides, which we rarely take into account. Although meeting a child\u2019s needs as and when they arise brings clear benefits in certain situations, our excessive adaptability can also reflect a sense of uncertainty for the child, which may undermine their trust in us. They do not yet know the world, so they cannot be expected to know for certain what they need and when. For them, a familiar framework creates a sense of predictability and security, and this is formed by rules that have been carefully thought through and confidently established by their parents. Children need rules so that they can feel safe and learn to adapt to their surroundings, as well as to the norms and culture of society.<\/span><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Dangers of Indulgence<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

<\/span> In light of past experience, great emphasis is placed on avoiding an overly strict, controlling, autocratic parenting style, whilst little is said about the effects and significance of the extremes of permissive parenting. In particular, those who have experienced a strict parenting style that shows no regard for attention or compromise are likely (whether consciously or not) to adopt an excessively permissive parental approach.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maccoby and Martin\u2019s parenting model clearly illustrates the serious, long-term consequences that our parenting methods can have on children\u2019s development. In their research, they identified four parenting styles based on the dimensions of parental responsiveness (acceptance, rejection) and guidance (restriction, permissiveness): Authoritarian (rejecting, restrictive), Authoritative (accepting, restrictive), Permissive (accepting, permissive), Neglectful (rejecting, permissive). Through the observation and analysis of these four parenting styles, the impact of permissiveness on personality development has become very clearly defined.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Most spoilt children are immature and lack independence; they do not develop a sense of responsibility, which is why they generally find it difficult to make decisions. Furthermore, they have poor self-control because they are unable to rein in their desires and impulses, which can often lead to them behaving aggressively. So, no matter how much we constantly adapt to our child\u2019s immediate needs, in the long run we will not achieve the outcome we had envisaged. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Uncertain wanderings<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

<\/span> Most of us, of course, are aware that being too lenient is just as bad as being too strictness<\/a>. We need to find a happy medium, but this is harder than one might think. How we handle a situation can depend on the circumstances at the time, the child\u2019s behaviour and our own mood. Sometimes we\u2019re lenient to avoid awkward situations, whilst at other times we\u2019re overly demanding and strict in an attempt to somehow command the respect we\u2019re due. If the rules we genuinely consider important \u2013 both for the child\u2019s development and for our own mental wellbeing \u2013 are not clearly defined, it is highly likely that we will swing between the two extremes, and our unpredictable behaviour will never yield satisfactory results in the long run.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

We feel guilty when we lose our self-control and snap at our child, and also when we show that we lack sufficient composure. Our erratic behaviour causes anxiety in our children too. A parent whose behaviour is unpredictable or depends on the situation creates uncertainty and mistrust in the child, as they fail to fulfil the very role that the child fundamentally needs: they do not give the child the feeling that they are always safe with them. Neither erratic behaviour nor the excessive strictness or leniency arising from uncertainty will be effective, as what we feel matters more to children than what we say or do. However, it is possible to find the happy medium if we devote sufficient energy and time to really thinking through what is important to us and what we can do to nurture these things.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Creating a safe environment<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

<\/span> Before starting a family, many of us reflect on the values we would like to instil in our children as they grow up. Yet, with the arrival of a new baby, this vision is often immediately forgotten or ends in failure. Owing to the initial difficulties and new experiences, time slips by unnoticed without us having had a chance to rethink or adjust our earlier ideas. We are alive<\/a> day by day, which in itself proves to be quite a challenge. Without clarifying our fundamental values and frameworks, however, there is a high risk that we may drift either towards extreme parenting styles or into uncertain vacillations between them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As trivial as it may seem to clarify what we consider important in life, it has a huge impact on creating and strengthening family harmony. It is very important to discuss these issues with our partner and our children so that we can establish rules that are realistic to follow and that will ensure both our own peace of mind and our children\u2019s sense of security. Would we like our children to eat a hot meal with us at least once a day? Would we like toys consisting of small parts to be kept exclusively in the children\u2019s bedroom? Would it mean a lot to us if we could have a night out with our partner once a week for at least two hours? Or perhaps we consider it important that everyone listens to one another?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

These may range from more serious values and rules designed to avert danger to minor ones that may seem insignificant to others; if they are important to us or to another family member, we must try to take them into account. And that takes time. We need to be able to to write<\/a> for ourselves, and then share them with one another during a discussion, so that we can find solutions to them together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/span> We must also expect that our lives are constantly changing. Children grow up, change schools, we move house, or we simply undergo personal growth. Our circumstances change, and perhaps our values do too, which is why the rules we have established may lose their meaning. At such times, we need to recognise this and then reassess the situation: rethinking, renegotiating and reformulating the rules in a way that respects everyone\u2019s values whilst providing a clear framework. However, developing these rules and making it easier to follow them should always be a shared task. Children also enjoy being involved in the process. Let\u2019s draw up a list of rules or an agenda, add some drawings, share out the tasks, and perhaps create personalised reminders. Let\u2019s make it special and enjoyable for everyone involved, so that even the less popular rules are more readily accepted. Just as in our relationships, so too in a harmonious family atmosphere<\/a> We all need to keep working \u2013 not just us, but everyone. And to do that, we need to talk and communicate, so that together we can create a sense of security for everyone, and through that, forge closer bonds with one another.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Originally published on: divany.hu, 2 October 2020.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A gyerek ir\u00e1ny\u00e1ba tan\u00fas\u00edtott \u00e1lland\u00f3 \u00e9s \u00e9rz\u00e9keny v\u00e1lasz- \u00e9s szolg\u00e1latk\u00e9szs\u00e9g\u00fcnk term\u00e9szetes, szeretetteljes \u00e9s odaad\u00f3 magatart\u00e1snak t\u0171nik, \u00e9ppen ez\u00e9rt olyan k\u00f6nny\u0171 beleesni a csapd\u00e1j\u00e1ba. Kutat\u00e1sok szerint ugyanis az enged\u00e9keny sz\u00fcl\u0151k gyerekei \u00e9retlenek, \u00f6n\u00e1ll\u00f3tlanok \u00e9s gyakran agressz\u00edvek is lehetnek. Napjainkban a gyereknevel\u00e9s sok tekintetben rugalmasabb az elm\u00falt \u00e9vsz\u00e1zadok gyakorlat\u00e1hoz k\u00e9pest. Merev id\u0151beoszt\u00e1sok \u00e9s szab\u00e1lyok helyett egyre nagyobb […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5342,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[209],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5341","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divany"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5341","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5341"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5341\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5344,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5341\/revisions\/5344"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5342"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5341"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5341"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5341"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}