{"id":5395,"date":"2026-07-06T22:26:32","date_gmt":"2026-07-06T20:26:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/?p=5395"},"modified":"2026-07-06T22:26:32","modified_gmt":"2026-07-06T20:26:32","slug":"elmondani-a-titkokat-gyereknek","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/elmondani-a-titkokat-gyereknek\/","title":{"rendered":"However difficult it may be, sooner or later you\u2019ll have to tell your child your secrets"},"content":{"rendered":"

There are stories we don\u2019t like to talk about, ones we try to forget so that we can protect ourselves and our children. However, keeping secrets does not help to heal the wounds, and it certainly does not protect our children. Withholding the truth pushes them away from us, whilst trapping us in the past and preventing us from coming to terms with what has happened.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Everyone has feelings, thoughts and memories that they keep hidden from their loved ones \u2013 sometimes entirely, sometimes only in part. It may be a traumatic, shameful or painful experience, and by keeping it hidden we are actually trying to protect ourselves: we do not want to relive what happened, we do not want others to feel sorry for us, and above all, we do not want others\u2019 perception of us to change. Honesty, however, is crucial in every relationship: it shapes not only our relationships with others, but also our relationship with ourselves.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And our children sense all of this. They are very much aware when we\u2019re keeping secrets; they just don\u2019t understand what they are or why. As long as we exclude them \u2013 that is, emotionally isolate them \u2013 we are also shutting ourselves off, and preventing ourselves from moving on from the past into the present and the future.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being true to yourself<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Edith Eva Eger The gift<\/i> In his book entitled [\u2026], he writes: Honesty begins with learning to be true to yourself<\/i>. However trivial this sentence may sound, being honest with ourselves is certainly a real challenge for many of us, especially if we haven\u2019t practised it since childhood. People generally learn as children to rely more on reason than on emotion \u2013 in other words, to rein in and conceal their feelings, and to explain to themselves, using rational arguments, how things ought to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We keep the grieving process we\u2019re going through in check because we don\u2019t want to appear vulnerable and insecure in front of our children. We do not admit to ourselves the pain that the memory of our neglectful parents still evokes, because under no circumstances do we want to relive it. We do not admit that we have become uncertain about our relationship, because we fear change and the prospect of being alone even more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

However, if we are not honest, at least with ourselves, we imprison our true selves. Emotions cannot be suppressed for long; eventually, they always find a way out: they affect us physically (in the form of psychosomatic illnesses) and\/or mentally (through the onset of mental illness). It\u2019s hard to believe, but honesty, admitting our secrets and facing them anew, sets our repressed feelings free, and this is the only way we can truly move on. Of course, this will hurt more at first, but afterwards everything will be much easier.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Being honest with your child<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

Are we protecting our child by keeping things from them: the death of our pet, our strained relationship with our grandparents, or the traumas we experienced as children or adults? The short answer is no, because they will sense when something is wrong regardless. They sense the distance, the withdrawal, a kind of dark void that remains unexplained. And because they are children, they tend to look first and foremost within themselves for the reason for this exclusion. We want to protect them, yet they feel increasingly insecure. The past provides our roots, which help us stand firm in the storm; in other words, it is only through a proper understanding of them that we can feel secure. In order for our children to believe in themselves, they need to know who they are, and it does not matter if the past is full of pain. If they can experience and understand it, then (and only then) can they move beyond it and free themselves from it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Of course, our honesty must not overlook our children\u2019s level of maturity, nor our own emotional response to memories we have kept hidden until now. There\u2019s no need to talk to a young child about sexual abuse, but we can still answer their questions honestly, at a level they can understand. We can tell them that it caused us pain, that we were afraid, that we felt ashamed, and that it took time for us to realise it wasn\u2019t our fault. Nor do we need to keep quiet about a strained relationship with our own parents, even if we\u2019d dearly love to pretend it never happened, or if we don\u2019t want this to affect our child\u2019s relationship with them. We can always be honest about our own feelings without judging or condemning the person who has caused us pain (though we are, of course, free to comment on their behaviour). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It helps our children to know our past, because in this way they also come to know their own, and because in this way they can experience that everything in life can be overcome, that everything we lose also gives us something: strength, enlightenment, and the opportunity for growth. To do this, however, we must first learn to be honest with ourselves. We must recognise the difference between our thoughts and our feelings. We must realise that the pain of the past can only be eased by accepting past events and by maintaining a sense of curiosity about what is happening in the present. This kind of our openness<\/a> It allows our children to be close to us and ensures their safety at all times. Even when life is sometimes unpredictable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Originally published on: divany.hu, 21 March 2021.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Vannak t\u00f6rt\u00e9neteink, amelyekr\u0151l nem szeret\u00fcnk besz\u00e9lni, amelyekr\u0151l igyeksz\u00fcnk ink\u00e1bb megfeledkezni, hogy v\u00e9dhess\u00fck ezzel magunkat \u00e9s a gyerekeinket. A titkol\u00f3z\u00e1s azonban nem seg\u00edti begy\u00f3gy\u00edtani a sebeket, \u00e9s v\u00e9gk\u00e9pp nem v\u00e9di a gyerekeket. Az elz\u00e1rk\u00f3z\u00e1s eltasz\u00edtja \u0151ket t\u0151l\u00fcnk, minket magunkat pedig bez\u00e1r a m\u00faltba, \u00e9s nem engedi, hogy feldolgozzuk a t\u00f6rt\u00e9nteket. Mindenkinek vannak olyan \u00e9rz\u00e9sei, gondolatai \u00e9s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5396,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[209],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5395","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-divany"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5395","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5395"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5395\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5398,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5395\/revisions\/5398"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5396"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5395"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5395"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dev.gyerekrehangolva.hu\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5395"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}