It’s OK to cry. Or rather, instead of comfort

„All I want is for them to be happy!”, or the reason why we become slaves to our emotions.

There is a great deal of confusion and conflicting advice in the public consciousness about whether or not we should let our children cry. A couple of generations ago, even experts used to say that babies needed to learn to soothe themselves and get used to a routine, so parents should not respond to their heart-wrenching cries. Today, we know that this leads children to immediately draw the lifelong conclusion that they cannot rely on anyone emotionally. This is the root cause of most adults’ difficulties in social relationships. So, yes, it is very important that we are emotionally available to our children. Always!

„I’m here so that you don’t have to be here” – On the Other Side of the Horse

We don’t think so, but it’s much easier to go too far in the other direction than we might realise. And this is where the real confusion begins, because we misunderstand what it means to be emotionally present for our child during difficult emotional moments. The reason for this is the approach to negative emotions that is expected and taught by our society and culture.
Almost all of us grew up learning that we must avoid crying, grief and pain at all costs. We attribute to every negative emotion the meaning that it stands in the way of happiness, success and a sense of fulfilment. Whether we ourselves are suffering from them or others are, we feel we must put an end to them as soon as possible. We try to comfort others with words, touch, advice, distraction or encouragement, but we rarely accept the emotion as it is. Of course, it’s not nice to see someone else sad, but why is the sight of it so painful for us? I know the question might be a bit shocking, but what do you think: to what extent is the urge to distract or comfort someone instinctive, and to what extent is it learned (ingrained in us over generations)?

A generational impasse – The true message behind „Don’t be sad!”

From the moment we are born, we learn to suppress, avoid and eliminate our feelings and emotions that we perceive as negative. We experience them as failures. We also receive confirmation from the outside world that it is not right to feel this way. When our child is fussy, sad, crying or angry, the response they usually get from us is that they shouldn’t feel that way: „Don’t be sad!”, „Look on the bright side”, „There’s no need to cry about that now”… We do all this with the best of intentions. That’s what we’ve learnt.
Yet with these responses, we are reinforcing to the child that they shouldn’t feel this way. That the feeling that has taken hold of them is inappropriate. Later on, they may become stressed by the fact that the feeling is returning and they don’t know how to cope with it. Then they may worry that others have noticed too, so they can’t hide it. Finally, they may experience a sense of complete failure, feeling that they’re spoiling everyone else’s mood because everyone has to deal with them. The bad feeling doesn’t go away; instead, it intensifies and takes hold of us. After all, we’ve never actually learnt how to deal with these emotions.
Would they still grow stronger if we didn’t have to reject them?

A feeling comes and goes

Children need to get to know their own feelings and learn to live with them. And in this, they rely on us. They watch us, they trust us, and they learn from us. A truly happy person isn’t always carefree, but knows how to appreciate even a cloudy sky. Every feeling has its own reason and meaning. Every feeling comes and goes. What children need is not for us to shield them from feelings perceived as negative, but for us to teach them to recognise and accept them. Those who never experience failure never learn anything new. Every problem offers an opportunity for growth. There’s no need to run away from them. The more we run away, the more they will chase us. The more openly we embrace them, the more easily they will pass us by of their own accord.

It’s OK to cry – „I’m here with you”

That’s all it takes. Just be there with them in that moment. They don’t need your advice or your comfort. Just your acceptance, so that they, too, can accept it. Because our emotions matter. It is by sharing the moment together that we can best support our child in recognising and accepting the emotions swirling within them – and, through that, themselves. Of course, doing nothing isn’t easy at first, as we’ve been taught since childhood that we must intervene. Yet, in reality, our presence and acceptance are what matter most to them. This is how inner tension is released most quickly, allowing feelings to pass. Our child’s relationship with both us and themselves will deepen. This is how they will become a truly resilient, well-balanced and happy adult.

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