Forget the question, „So, how was school/nursery/pre-school?”!

It is a question that rarely yields the expected result, yet as parents we cling to it so tightly. Why do we feel such a strong urge to ask it anyway, and why doesn’t it work with our children?

The parent’s aim is to build a bond

When our child spends most of the day away from us, it’s only natural that when we finally meet up, we’ll have plenty to tell each other. We share our experiences, our difficulties, our sorrows and our joys. On the one hand, we feel guilty about the time spent apart and want to make up for it as soon as possible by reconnecting. On the other hand, our sense of parental responsibility tells us that being away for 8–10 hours may not only have meant ‘letting our child down’, but also failed to satisfy our own ‘need for control’. After all, our inner voice might say: „I wonder what happened during that time?”; „What if there’s something important I don’t know about?”; „How can I discipline, help or teach my child anything if I don’t even know what’s been going on?”; „It might even turn out that I’m not a good parent because I don’t even ask my child”… So we want to feel that: „even though we’ve spent most of the day apart, our relationship is deep and sincere. We love each other, we’re important to each other, and we share everything.”.
So the aim is to get back in touch with each other as soon as possible and pick up where we left off. So what’s the snag?

The tragedy of „So, how was school/nursery/pre-school?”

Why does the initiative fail right from the start? In most cases, we get answers like these: „Nothing”; „Nothing much”; „OK”; „Fine”; „Never mind”… Are we satisfied with these answers? Of course not. We miss the child’s openness, their honesty, and their willingness to let us into their inner world. On top of all this, the open-ended question – which we hope will lead to a wide-ranging conversation – is shut down in an instant. We might consider asking another open-ended question…

Why won’t the child open up?

First of all, let’s just think about it: how much time do we actually give a child to get into the car – or simply to settle into our presence – before we ask them this question? Not many of us can stand long pauses and silence, so in most cases we’re talking about a couple of seconds at most. Yet the child has to switch to a completely different role.
At school, nursery and crèche, children take on a different role to the one they have at home. In these settings, children learn that they must not show deep vulnerability, despair, a sense of loss, anger, etc., because they are expected to already know (or learn) how to behave. Even in nurseries, carers are often unable to provide children with the same sense of security that parents do. What’s more, children also have to arm themselves against their peers in order to stay in the running and earn their love and recognition.
You can’t just step out of this role from one moment to the next. Even if you have a close relationship with your parents, it still takes time to take off your armour, put down your shield and breathe freely again. Well, if you don’t even feel fully accepted at home… and you need another set of battle gear…

ME instead of HIM

Another major mistake we often make when bonding with our child is that we fail to realise our approach prioritises our own needs rather than the child’s. (Of course, we do this without even realising it.)
First of all, we long for our child to open up to us, so that we, as parents, can feel secure and valued after those long hours of feeling ‘let down’. On the other hand, we probably find the ‘silent moments’ harder to bear, whilst nobody speaks. We immediately start conjuring up self-defeating thoughts in our heads: „They must think I don’t even care what’s going on with them”; „We’re finally together, and I’m not making time for them”; „What if they hate me and don’t want to share anything with me?”; „Other people’s children are probably already chattering away to their parents”; „I really ought to say something”… Thirdly, our questions generally imply, „Tell me everything!” – which immediately prompts responses such as „leave me alone”, „you wouldn’t understand anyway” or „it doesn’t matter” – instead of signalling „I’M LISTENING TO YOU!”.

It’s not me, it’s ONLY him

  The prerequisite for effective connection is that I step back from the situation. I recognise my own needs but set them aside, and in this way I try to attune myself to the other person. For this to happen, a pause and silence are necessary. Just being there, sensing the child’s current emotional state. For the child to feel our support, our acceptance and our protection, words are not needed. This is especially true for children, who are even more attuned to our emotional energy. Just let them settle into the safety of ‘home’! Just observe! Watch their breathing (perhaps mirror it), see what they’re doing, what they’re looking at (without saying a word)! Give them 5–10 minutes of this! If possible, let them take the lead! If not, perhaps ask them a question, but only to check whether they need a bit more time!

And most importantly, once they start talking or telling a story, just listen – without offering any advice, instruction, praise or disagreement. At most, acknowledge their feelings, but keep yourself out of the picture.

Because there’s really only one thing that matters to children: that they feel seen and heard by adults and by themselves.

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