Why bans are ineffective

What is it about the word ‘NO’ that they don’t understand? We ask our children not to do something, but to no avail. They might stop for a while, but soon start again… It’s easy to assume that they simply aren’t interested in what we say, but it’s not quite that simple. So what’s really going on here? How can we get them to cooperate with us in situations like this?

The adult brain is different. Or is it?

When we’re told not to do something, we have no trouble complying. We’ve learnt that we have to control ourselves in line with other people’s expectations. If there’s something we’re not allowed to do, we accept it and, more often than not, find something else to do without any trouble. Because we’ve learnt this over many years. But what happens if I ask you, „DON’T THINK ABOUT A PINK ELEPHANT!”?
That doesn’t really work anymore, does it? The thing is, our brains simply can’t help but visualise something. So, in order to try and comply with my request, once you’ve already pictured the pink elephant, you’ll probably quickly change its colour. However, this is a conscious effort, and as you’ll find, the first image that springs to mind will still be the pink elephant. In order not to think about something, we first have to think about it. And this isn’t just true of our thoughts.

Impulse, Self-Control and the Idea Box

Children’s brains work in exactly the same way. They cannot conceive of the word „no”. When we ask them, „Don’t run!”, „Don’t shout!”, „Don’t fight!”, „Don’t do that!”, …etc., an image appears in their minds of running, shouting, fighting – precisely the things we’re asking them to stop doing. And this is where the difficulty lies for children, in two respects.
Firstly, their inner impulses are much stronger, and their self-control is not as well-developed as that of adults. Over the years, we have been forced to learn to regulate these feelings effectively, as this is essential for social integration. Our inner urges are at their strongest in early childhood; they are not the same as they are in adulthood. Secondly, they do not yet have a „toolbox” of ideas from which they can choose an alternative method or activity. They don’t know what to do instead of running, shouting, fighting, and so on. Sometimes they really do want to please us, but they simply can’t find a way to do so.

I'm a child, help me!

It’s not that easy being a child, is it? They’re still so new to this world; they don’t know their surroundings or how they themselves work, yet enormous expectations are placed upon them. And we often don’t even realise what difficulties they’re going through. We don’t see how hard they’re trying, because we don’t know what to look for. And they can’t express themselves, as they don’t yet have the self-awareness or vocabulary to do so – but we can help them!
We can give them ideas, or even specific instructions, on what to do instead of the behaviour we’ve taken issue with. Surprisingly often, this alone is enough to bring about a noticeable change in these trying moments, as in most cases their aim isn’t to annoy us. Instead of saying „Don’t run about!”, „Don’t be rude!” or „Don’t shout!”, we can use simple phrases such as: „We only have room for walking feet in here, so please walk!”, „We only use gentle hands with each other, like this!”, „Could you speak a bit more quietly, like this…”, …and so on. Such specific phrasing can work wonders! Provided, of course, that it’s specific. „Behave yourself!” is a positive phrase, but it’s just as unhelpful to a child as a prohibition, because what does „behave yourself” actually mean?

It’s fine to say „no”, but…

Every new habit takes time to become second nature. Perhaps you haven’t even realised until now just how much „don’t” and „don’t do that” goes on at home. But that’s perfectly normal. The first step is to recognise these situations; the second is to try and come up with a positive, „don’t-free” phrase to replace them. I’ll say straight away that it’s sometimes harder than we think.

I was working at a nursery in London when I began to put this approach into practice. Often, by the time (1) I realised I was saying ‘no’, (2) I’d thought of a suggestion, and (3) I’d formulated it in English, the child was already doing something completely different from what I’d just tried to dissuade them from doing. Nevertheless, I went ahead and said it (even though it didn’t make much sense by then), so that I could practise the method and make it as quick and automatic as possible. In the end, I succeeded.

The aim isn’t to never use the word „no”. That’s unrealistic. But let’s be aware of when we say it, and follow it up with a helpful ‘no-free’ phrase. Instead of an exclamation mark, let’s use a comma and offer our child a suggestion. And let’s be patient with ourselves, too.

Give it a go and let us know in the comments how it works out for you in practice. If you liked it, give it a like, and don’t forget to share it with anyone you think might find it helpful!

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