That is why it is important for the child to be aware of the circumstances surrounding their arrival

We have all grown up in different families, under different circumstances and facing different challenges. However, a lack of understanding of our past can leave us feeling insecure, lost and vulnerable. We can best protect our children by being open and honest with them. If we don’t dwell on whether to tell stories, but simply on how to do so.

What should a child know about their own past and the circumstances surrounding their arrival?
Our children are not yet able to properly make sense of many situations in life, with the result that we adults often do not think we should attach any particular importance to explaining them. Often, out of a desire to protect them, we want to spare them the reality of their past; at other times, we simply wait for the right moment to arrive so that a truly meaningful conversation can take place.

We are guided by good intentions, and yet: secrets, and words that are left unsaid or altered, leave their mark on our children’s souls sooner or later. They inflict wounds from which we probably wanted to protect them in the very first place by keeping silent. An unknown or confusing past breeds uncertainty and emotional instability, and leaves its mark not only on the development of self-image but also on the formation of one’s entire outlook on life.

We need to talk to even a small child about giving and receiving a child for adoption, about the birth parents, about the significant challenges of the early years, or even about the emotional trials we ourselves face in connection with the child’s arrival. It may seem silly, unnecessary, or even a clear mistake to let them in on these matters, rather than erecting solid defences to shield them from their past and its potential impact on their future: ostracism, teasing, low self-esteem. However, knowledge – and an understanding of real-life stories – empowers. Open honesty provides confidence, predictability and security, and sends the message to the child that we trust them. We should not be asking ourselves whether to tell the child, but simply how to do so in a way that is appropriate for their age.

Silence suggests shame

No matter how much we try to shield them from certain information, our suppressed thoughts are never invisible to our children. They may be unrecognisable, but they are clearly perceptible. No matter how young a child is, they are extremely sensitive to the emotions of their parents (or indeed other close relatives), and even if they cannot necessarily recognise those emotions, they are still capable of empathising with them.

Our communication would help them to make sense of these things, and, as a result, over time, they would grow into a more compassionate, emotionally accessible and stable adult. The our silence, … Avoiding the subject – or even telling white lies – can cause uncertainty and confusion in children, as they have a keen sense of detecting inconsistencies between behaviour and emotions. Secrets, meanwhile, reveal feelings of shame, pain and a loss of trust.

Children are quick to believe that they do not deserve the truth, that they are not trusted, and that adults think they are incapable of coping with what they hear; this, in turn, breeds mistrust within them. A loss of confidence in their own worth and in the goodness of others. Most often, children do not voice these feelings. They simply become internal, ingrained monologues that also shape their behaviour. They do not talk about them because they sense that the adult is avoiding the subject. The adult becomes emotionally dismissive, which is frightening for any child, so they, too, tend to bottle up their questions and try to cope with their inner turmoil on their own.

Understanding and accepting the past brings stability

If we wait years before telling a child about a difficult, emotionally taxing story, we risk shattering the entire sense of self and worldview they have built up to that point, which in turn may lead to a long-term loss of trust. Conversely, if we treat sharing stories that affect them as a natural part of life, and simply pay particular attention to choosing the right words, they can in fact build a stable foundation for themselves.

Our past helps shape who we become, and even negative events can have a positive impact, as they make us more sensitive in certain areas (Michael Jackson’s iconic dance moves were, in fact, inspired by his attempts to escape his father’s beatings). Of course, the ideas set out here are by no means intended to downplay the importance of preventing traumatic experiences; rather, they aim to emphasise the need to come to terms honestly with events that have already taken place. Knowing a child’s past, the stories Open and honest conversations help people to come to terms with difficult experiences, cope with them and open up to one another, which is a fundamental part of resilience and a healthy outlook on life.

For a child, the only things that don’t feel natural are those that don’t feel natural to their parents either. If we feel that real-life stories involving our children are shameful or embarrassing, then they too will feel ashamed (even without knowing the story), thereby leaving themselves vulnerable to judgement from others. We cannot eliminate the occasional exclusion or teasing of children. It has affected and may affect us all, as various initiation challenges – the subject of which can be anything – are a characteristic of this age group.

However, if our child knows themselves and accepts their past and present as a matter of course, then the struggles with fitting in – which are particularly characteristic of adolescence – will not affect them particularly deeply (or in the long term). The person who is truly protected is the one who can always be themselves at home. The one who knows their own story, whose questions are always met with an open and supportive family atmosphere, and who can therefore trust in their own complete right to exist, whatever the circumstances. We can always choose our words carefully and decide how deeply we discuss events – taking the child’s age into account – but the story itself must be true. In this way, the child is protected and receives reassurance from us that we believe in them, in their abilities and history of in its enduring relevance.

Originally published on: divany.hu, 7 July 2021.