5 + 1 tips: how can you prepare your first-born for the arrival of a new baby?

The arrival of a sibling can be very emotionally draining for a first-born child. They may suddenly feel that their parents’ attention is out of reach, and what’s more, the much-hyped playmate seems rather useless to them. As parents, we can help ensure that our ‘dethroned’ child doesn’t feel helpless.

For the first-born child, the arrival of a little sibling can be a traumatic experience in many ways. This is particularly true if they were also the first child in the wider family (including the families of their parents’ siblings), in which case they may have become accustomed to the world revolving around them and everyone doting on them. With the arrival of the second child, however, they are dethroned, which catches them unprepared, and the resulting tension can generate serious resentment towards both the parents and the new sibling. Of course, many of us are aware of this phenomenon, which is precisely why we want to handle the situation with due awareness and planning. Many of us fear that our first-born will come to hate their little sibling, as they take our attention away from them. Others, however, are so keen to protect their firstborn’s sense of security that, as a result, the second child receives little attention. But what can we do to help our children cope with the situation during this already exhausting initial period? Below, we’ve put together a few tips which, if thought through in advance, can make things easier not only for parents but for the children too.

#1 Prepare for the exam in advance!

No matter how young children are, they have a keen sense of impending change, even if they cannot fully understand it. It is therefore important to prepare the first-born child in advance for the arrival of a new sibling. Talk to them, tell them about the pregnancy and what to expect in the future. You could read them stories about this fairy tales as well, which outline the situation in their own words, thereby giving them the chance to play with the idea themselves. However, depending on your eldest child’s age and interests, their attitude to the subject may vary, so only go into as much detail as they’re interested in. We can also talk about their own birth if that interests them more, as this will help them relate to the situation better; in this way, whilst mentioning their little sibling, the importance of their own person is also maintained, which can immediately cast the idea of change in a different light.

#2 Accept that there will be difficult moments!

Many people try to prevent their child from developing a dislike for their sibling by emphasising the positive aspects of having a sibling: how lovely it will be to play with them, splash about with them, or help them as the older sibling. However, sibling life also has its downsides, and if we fail to acknowledge these to our child, their (natural) negative feelings will give rise to guilt. They will feel ashamed of feeling what they may not even dare to say. And that guilt will have no positive effect on either their development or their relationships. If, on the other hand, they realise that we too are aware of the difficulties and the negative feelings that a sibling’s presence can sometimes cause, we can help our first-born to resolve this tension. If we acknowledge, …by recognising that a baby can be too loud, smelly, boring and annoying, our child is given the chance to see for themselves the positive side of living together.

#3 Get involved in care!

No matter how young our first-born child still is, there are bound to be tasks they can already do themselves to look after the baby, thereby helping us with our work. This might be as simple as choosing the baby’s clothes, picking up the dummy from the floor, or handing over the cream when changing nappies. The key is to ensure they don’t feel left out or pushed aside by the little one – and, by extension, by their parents. A new arrival brings about a big change for everyone, so the older sibling mustn’t be left out of the adjustment process. If they feel that their role is important when it comes to the baby, this can help counteract any feelings of being dethroned. As well as helping to look after their little sibling, it can also help if they are given their own doll (even if they’re a boy, if they’re interested), which they can look after themselves and on which they can practise the tasks they’ve seen their parents doing – tasks in which they cannot yet play an active part when it comes to their sibling (changing nappies, feeding, bathing).

#4 Let them have their own games!

We tend to expect the older child to share all their toys with the baby, who can’t damage them yet and will soon lose interest anyway, so why not? The value of consideration is obviously important to us, and we’d like our child to learn this as soon as possible, but we need to be careful here. It can cause great frustration in a child – particularly during the ‘terrible twos’ – if they suddenly feel their boundaries have been infringed upon. The arrival of a little sibling brings many changes anyway, so their sense of security diminishes, and if not only the behaviour of those around them changes but they also have to share their own things, they may suddenly feel that everything that once belonged to them is now being taken away, and this feels very threatening. If we make it clear from the very beginning what belongs solely to them, what belongs solely to the little one, and what can be shared, we help them to maintain their sense of security. Incidentally, this also draws attention to how important it is to respect each other’s boundaries and possessions.

#5 Quality time with your firstborn!

Every child competes for their parents’ undivided attention, and those who are unable to achieve this through positive behaviour will be forced to resort to negative behaviour. To prevent this, it is worth ensuring as soon as possible that we set aside at least half an hour each day to spend solely with our older child we are filling. This applies particularly to mothers, who are obviously under a great deal of strain from looking after a newborn or a baby. For the older sibling, however, these moments can mean a great deal, as they may feel somewhat neglected for the rest of the day. However brief the time spent together may be, let’s try to make sure that, during those moments, our full attention is on them. We don’t make phone calls or watch TV half-heartedly, nor do we breastfeed the little one or check whether they’re still asleep! Of course, this may require more energy and organisation on our part, but it’s definitely worth considering if we don’t want our firstborn to try to get our attention through unacceptable behaviour. 

#+1 Don’t be afraid of a setback!

It’s often the case that when a little brother or sister arrives, the older child downturns shows in their development. They may wet themselves again, ask for their dummy or bottle, or, instead of their previous independence, become more clingy once more. As we’ve already mentioned, major changes can shake children’s sense of security, and this prompts them to check whether the trust we’ve built up over the years (between parent and child) is still there. Will we be there for them if anything happens? This is precisely why there is no cause for alarm, nor even for stricter discipline. These are usually temporary phases that may last a week or two at most; however, a dismissive attitude on our part can exacerbate the frustration the child is feeling, and this will only hinder the problem’s natural resolution. We should therefore be understanding towards our older child, and if they indicate that they want to be a baby again, we should try to accommodate this in a playful way. If they feel that our bond remains unbroken, they too will be quicker to want to become a proper big sibling who knows everything better.

Originally published on: divany.hu, 7 September 2020.